I got me a phone! But it broke…

So I disappeared. You thought for good I’m sure. I sort of did too.

See what-ha-happened was: I got a phone. It was the most beautiful phone in the world. I was in love! FischFail was jealous.

It was a Samsung Epic for Sprint:

So my beautiful new phone with many shiny apps (like my virtual leopard print lighter) drew my attention far far away from my computer and you happy people all over the internets.

But then one dark and stormy day, FischFail helped me move my wonderful computer chair into my tiny room. He evoked his revenge on my phone by smashing it severely and breaking my screen. Now my phone is no more and I have a crappy old phone instead. And now I’m back to chatter away endlessly to all of you happy internet people! I know you missed me! ;)

Back from the Abyss!

I’m just getting over a pretty nasty cold (which apparently I gave to #1BoyToy, sorry) that had me in bed or on couch for the weekend.

So now that I’m finally feeling like a human¬† again, but still not 100% (I’m hoping to put off dishes and laundry for at least one more day) I figured I would just say a quick hello to all of you out there in the blogosphere.¬† I plan on going a different way with my blog. Obviously I don’t blog nearly often enough to keep your attention, mostly because writing everyday doesn’t keep my attention. So I decided to start sharing things that interest me.

This means you should expect to see more pictures and links and much shorter posts. I hope you enjoy!

And Isn’t Megadeth All Dead…

So last night I had beer and water spilled all over me, I had my toes smashed, I was lifted off my feet, and I got in a fight. It was possibly one of the greatest nights of my adult life!

I went with Stephanovitch to the Joe Louis Arena to see Testament, Megadeth, and Slayer. We had floor tickets and got as close to the stage as possible. It was one rocking night! Thanks for bringing me along Stephanovitch!

I know it’s hazardous to my health.

So I used to be part of this group of historical reenactment stick fighters called the Tuchux. They are loosely associated with the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). My ex-husband started to hang out with them, and we both joined the group as a couple.

So fast forward a year and a half, and a nasty divorce later and it’s time for the annual war held in Pennsylvania every year called Pennsic. And I did not attend because my ex-husband and his new girlfriend are still in the group, and that just hurts too much. I’m mostly ok with it. But I was upset that I missed out.

That was last week-ish. And now everyone is getting back from Pennsic and they’re all posting pictures of the event. And I being a glutton for punishment decide to view all of these pictures. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I wish I could have been there. I wish things didn’t have to happen the way they did. I wish some people didn’t make the decisions they did. I wish a lot of things, but none of that fixes the here and now.

Because of this, today I did a little spring cleaning on my Facebook. I removed almost all of my SCA and Tuchux friends. I apologize dear friends and acquaintances it was nothing that you did. But I needed to do something to keep me from torturing myself with the past. I am simply putting a band-aid over a scab so I don’t pick at it constantly, and thus letting myself heal.

Seems stupid and possibly passive aggressive, but it is a healing step for me. Not anything else.

Low

I am low today. And I just figured I would put it out there. I have hit my low point.

I don’t like this feeling. But I know that it will pass.

I’ve felt low before. This is not my reality.

This is just a passing feeling.

I am content…

I am content. I enjoy me. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my life. I am content.

This does not mean that I do not wish to improve on said me, life, etc. I always with to improve me. I want to continue schooling, and I always want to be learning. I want to be always open to new friendships, and I want to constantly strengthen current friendships. I want to further my ability to care for myself and my life. I want to further improve my state of living.

But even as I strive for these things. I also strive for contentment in the now. Today, I am content.

For The Love Of Money

So, I am trying to go back to school. I have always enjoyed learning. I used to be an excellent student. I graduated high school with a 4.0GPA after all. But college has been trouble for me. I am not sure why, but I think it has to do with the whole aspect of scheduling.

I have never been the greatest manager of my time. I don’t do well on long assignments. I wait until the last minute. And I am always looking for a better time spending option. Living in the now is a very difficult concept for me.

But in any case. As I am currently in a swing of bettering myself and making myself a productive member of society I have decided to go back to school. So I have applied to be reinstated at Washtenaw Community College. I filled out my FAFSA. I appealed the reinstatement of y financial aid. I was awarded financial aid. I planned out my schedule. And I got ready to get my learn on.

However, there is a wrench thrown into the works. Because I failed a semester at WCC last year I need to pay back part of my awarded Pell Grant. I owe the college $500. Seeing as how I will be awarded somewhere in the neighborhood of $13,000 this fall, it wouldn’t seem like a problem. But I can’t get that money until I enroll in classes. And I can’t enroll in classes until I pay the school $500.

So now there is a $500 barrier between me and my classes, and I don’t know how to cross it. I am so close and yet so far.

Does anyone know where I can get a $500 loan for two months??

Feelings… Nothing More Than

Today I had a meeting with my therapist. Yes, I am one of those pretentious people who sees a therapist. Or maybe not one of those pretentious people, but more so one of those fucked up people who needs to see a therapist.

Little background: I suffer from anxiety. There’s a long history there, but I don’t think I need to touch on it too much. Basically it has kept me from accomplishing much of anything until just recently when I’ve started to learn healthier coping mechanisms.

So anyway… at my therapist and we’re starting this new program that’s a lot like being in a college lecture class with only one student: me. However, being that I would be a perpetual student if I could I am actually enjoying this method of therapy quite a bit. So the topic of the month is emotions. More specifically the evolution of feelings.

Today we discussed what these feelings would be useful for if we were still in caveman tribes. For example: anger is a protective mechanism. Anger not only causes you to personally want to do better at something for whatever reason, but it also is a very good indicator to other people in the tribe that they should keep their distance. And so we went through all the basic emotions: Fear, Guilt, Love, Happiness, etc. And even in today’s world there are uses for these feelings. And most of these uses are close to what they were used for back in the caveman days.

The only emotion, and it’s a strong one, that really there seems to be little to no use for that we still frequently feel is shame. I looked the definition up online and got this: the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. Seems like it would still be pretty useful in today’s world right?

But shame is a lot like guilt. I looked guilt up in the dictionary too and got this: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. So guilt is remorse where as shame is just painful. Guilt means you’re sorry and should try to take actions where applicable to remedy things. Shame means you done fucked up and you’re kicked out of the club.

So in caveman days when their top priority was to stay in the group because there was power in numbers shame was the equivalent emotional pain to the physical pain of touching something sharp. You felt it to learn that the action leading it to was bad. And shame, being the big bad brother to guilt was more effective. It is a more visceral emotion.

But now, in today’s world where there are many different groups of people, and where you can exist without a group and not get eaten by a dinosaur shame isn’t really needed. Guilt is good, it prompts you to fix a wrong doing. Shame just hurts. There’s really nothing to do to fix shame. And actually it seems in today’s world that shame is usually felt even when there seems to be no real action from the group stating that one should feel shame. But boy does the media like to perpetuate it.

Shame becomes a black hole that must be fed by anything the commercials say will make you more acceptable. But because of its black hole nature, nothing will ever be enough. You can’t fix shame. All you really can do is try to understand what made you feel it in the first place and address that stimulus. If you feel shame about your appearance, figure out why. Is it because the beauty magazines tell you that you need to look like models to be accepted? What makes you ugly the way your are right now? Why? Who says?

Ok, I think I’ll hop off my soapbox now. I am perhaps one of the greatest sufferers of shame. I’ll definitely have to look a little deeper into the motivations behind my feelings. But I figured in the mean time I’d share my musings with you.

On another note: Went to the gym again this morning. Still lovin’ it like a fat kid loves the gym! (I’m bringing it back, really.)

Sweating is… fun.

Just got back from the gym with FischFail. I walked for like an hour and burned like 450 calories. That’s an accomplishment for someone who doesn’t excercise. And now I feel great! I think the gym may be my new favorite place.

I’m changing stereotypes. I now say it’s “Like a fat kid love the gym.” ;)

Fischisms!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen!!!! The Fischisms page actually has content!

Still nothing on the Googlevoice page, but I’m working on it.

Check out the Fischisms page! Do it! NOW!

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